Knowing how many Christians have trouble keeping track of what God has commanded them to do. We have sought to simplify the Christian life by providing these commandments for those who really can't manage God's will.

1. Thou shall not permit your commitment to God to get in the way of your friends, hobbies, favorite sports team, or TV show. Only fanatics allow their Christianity to take control of their lives.

2. Thou shall remember the Sabbath day and keep it full of activities with family and friends, for the pastor will understand if you can't make it to church.

3. Thou shall not testify to the lost about Christ for you wouldn't want to upset an unbeliever with their sin.

4. Thou shall not read and study your Bible, but instead expect the pastor to feed you. In addition, thou shall complain at every feeding, insisting that the pastor doesn't know how to preach, and isn't meeting your needs, your children's needs, or for that matter, anyone's needs.

5. Thou shall not give the tithe, but only a pittance, for God understands that you are poor, and can't do any more.

6. Thou shall not spend much time in prayer, for if you do, you might wear holes in the knees of your pants.

7. Thou shall not help in any capacity in the church, for everyone knows that the pastor is supposed to do everything. If thou were to help, it would prevent the pastor from feeling needed, since he doesn't have anything to do anyway.

8. Thou shall not reach out thy hand to the poor, the needy, the widow, or the orphan, for that is the work of the welfare program.

9. Thou shall not permit any gossip to pass you bye, but capture each and every morsel so that you may share it with others.

10. Thou shall not worry about the unbeliever, the drug addict, the alcoholic, or the prostitute, for everyone knows that to touch them is worse than leprosy. Thou shall also ignore the needs of those on the mission fields, for thank God you aren't called to do anything for them.

10. Thou shall expect recognition at every opportunity, whether it be from the pulpit, in the bulletin, or in personal conversation. This should include a reserved parking space and a special title. If thou does not receive this recognition, thou shall throw a temper tantrum before the pastor, and threaten to stop giving your pittance to the church.

10. Thou shall blame the devil for everything you do wrong, and everything that goes wrong in your life, for you know that it can't be your fault.

If thou shall seek to fulfill all these commandments and do all that is contained within them, then you shall be blessed with self-righteousness, pride and foolhardiness. There shall be laid up for you a crown of fire in the everlasting flames of hell.