The Night Deborah Died

We were in Reynosa, Mexico on our way to the print shop to copy some flyers, so we could pass them out at the pastor's alliance meeting that morning. We planned to invite them all to the upcoming prayer meeting for revival at the central plaza, to our spiritual warfare conference, and ladies conference, all to take place the same week.

I had been in the back of our MV (ministry vehicle- not recreational vehicle), when Rich called out. Traffic was tied up due to an accident, and a transit police was at our window. Little did I guess that we were involved. We had neither heard nor felt anything, yet a Mexican man was accusing us of damaging his new car (scratching his back end). There were no witnesses who came forth, so it was his word against ours. We were making a right turn, and he had tried to squeeze around us to the right.

Additional transit police were called in to write the report. Mexican custom is such that both parties need to come to an agreement between themselves. If an American is involved, it's always the American's fault. Either the injured party would drop the charges, or the liable party would pay for the damage in cash (very, very few have checking accounts). If they come to an agreement, then they are released with no fine or ticket (bribery is a possibility). The man accusing us was an attorney. But surely, God would deliver us….

After knowing that we were insured, we were told to follow the policeman and lawyer to the central police station. We would be released as soon as someone from our insurance office came there to settle accounts. They expected us to get someone to come from Kansas to a Mexican border town!

Once outside the police station, I suggested we use our cellular phone to call one of the many pastors we know, some of who also have cellular phones. Can you imagine… no one answered? Now what? The officer told Rich he would have to give up the keys to the MV, and leave it there until everything was resolved (Rich didn't give him the keys). But surely, God would deliver us… The children stayed inside to pray for a miracle.

Back and forth, back and forth. When memories came to me of the "rustic" men's jail that we ministered in last year, I knew to refuse to think about it… By this time, it was decided that we could leave as soon as we handed over 2,000 pesos cash - about $200.00 U.S. You've got to be joking! Not only do we not have that much, but we have been living almost entirely from the love offerings we receive from the small Mexican churches...

I started to cry from shock and tension; tears streamed down my face. My emotions were showing now, mostly due to "What now?" Rich was very calm and peaceful (under the circumstances), and began to dig through his pockets for change in pesos and dollars. It was about $100.00, and wrote an American check for the remainder. His driver's license was temporarily confiscated while we took the original copy of the signed off police report to the pharmacy to make a copy for us. (While handcuffs seemed to be everywhere, the police station did not have a copy machine.)

We left and went back to our children. Yes, God had protected us from physical harm, but I was totally devastated. It didn't make sense. Luke 14:33 speaks of those who have given up everything for the Lord's sake. Jesus promises that they would receive of Him, and receive much more in this lifetime. What more could we still give? Our whole lives have been wrapped up with His Kingdom, training His leaders, ministering on the Holy Spirit, worship, fasting, intercession, working to bring revival, being what I thought totally "sold out" for Him… We tithe, we give offerings and alms, and our lives…

It was now too late to attend the pastors meeting and we had no money left to make copies of our flyers. Of course we knew it was an attack by the enemy to break us, discourage us, and make us pack us and leave town. This would definitely shut down all the conferences to train the national leaders, but much more importantly shut down the movement to bring the believers of the city together to pray for God to send revival.

We were the only ministers around that did not have their own church, congregation, and building to care for. That makes us neutral. Within that culture, it meant that prayer could proceed without the official names of any denomination, group, or church backing it as long as we were involved…

God wants to remove strife, jealousy, favoritism, fear of stealing one another's members… from their midst. We needed to be in Reynosa to make that happen.

We returned to Pastor B's church for the 3:00 meeting with the core group of pastors we're working with for the prayer movement (We all accept that there is a price to pay to bring unity to the city-leaving our own agendas, and making God #1). By 6:00 that night the lawyer returned to say that he crossed over to USA to cash our check, and there wasn't enough in our account… when were we going to pay him? After he left, I lost my composure and broke out in tears, "big time."

Pastor B. and his wife prayed with Rich and I. Pastor B. said something about faith. At that time, I would have preferred he speak on miracles…I just didn't think I could hold on any longer. He told us of a very difficult time in his life, when God asked him if under those circumstances, he still loved him. Did I still love God, no matter what? With all my heart, or did I love Him less?

The next thing he said pierced my heart, and caused my heart to begin to bleed. He shared how our spirits have knit together since we first met, of God bringing both of our families to Reynosa, both with a heart for revival and unity for the city, on and on. If it weren't for Rich encouraging and ministering to him, he would have quit by now. If we were to give up and quit now, because of financial attacks, the rest of the pastors would give up also, the prayer movement and the dream of revival would be buried. Reynosa needed us to stay and continue to lead them into a Holy Spirit revival to transform their city.

Wow, that made me think… "God… where else would we go?" Even in the midst of this, I wished to be nowhere else but in the center of his will, and that His glory be seen. I started walking and praying outside the church, and let the tears fall freely. It was cold and dark by now, and I felt that death was knocking at my door. My heart wanted nothing else but more of His presence, more of Him, and to share Him with others. I was confused. I knew the scriptures about prosperity, about giving, about sowing, about God anointed and equipping those He called into ministry.

On January 1st, I had started and extensive fast, searching for discernment and wisdom, and frankly, for a financial breakthrough as well. Every other fast I had ever been on except this one, resulted in blessings of one sort or another. What was I doing wrong? Why did every thing seem to be getting worse on his one?

"Lord, I want the truth," I prayed. "Even if it hurts, which it probably will, I feel trapped." Temptations come for solving the dilemma. Food stamps, welfare, outside work (maybe if I never slept I could take a "secular" job - homeschooling 3 children, preparing spiritually for conferences, teaching, translating, etc….) selling chocolate fudge (I am a good cook, and most churches here sell food to help pay the bills)… Rich has never agreed on any of these man-made schemes, and I have chosen to submit to him. But still…

When we started in ministry in1995 God told us that we could not "ask" for money. Maybe it was different now though. Maybe it would be ok now, because it is not just for us, but for the apostolic work here. We know we were called, but God… it's not working…

I knew that what I was in was a spiritual battle. Who was going to win? The stakes were very high. Reynosa is the second city in the world for child prostitution. Sexual sin is rampant. Even pastors have fallen into open sexual sin, mostly for lack of knowledge. Yet, as a mother I was fighting a desire to see my family provided for. Salaries here are about 1/10 of USA earnings, yet food is about the same cost. Offerings we received were about $20-35 each service. And the 2 monthly leadership conferences were costing us more than what was brought in for publicity, copies, food, donation to the church, gas…

Please bear with me. The following is very important, and carries a golden spiritual nugget I want to bless you with.

We always were blessed with food, and often someone had brought us a bag or plate of something at the right moment. But the lack of finances had been causing me an enormous amount of stress. I tried to either stuff my concern, or tried to hide it from Rich, because I didn't want to hurt him. What else could he do but obey exactly what God had told him, day by day. Still it was hard. I want through 2-3 months of depression and feeling tears welling up constantly. We had children who needed dentist work, as well as a tooth of mine that had been bothering me since summer. An orthodontist here agreed to barter with us (he wants to learn French and trade time and materials), but we didn't yet have the $ for the x-rays. My heart was hurting for wanting to buy glasses for Rich and I, clothing and shoes that were needed. Josh had given all the cash he had in an offering to a church here, and joyfully… Please let me not be jealous of what others have, Lord. I don't understand.

"God, is it wrong of me to want to celebrate Christmas? At least a little?" Our car hadn't been repaired yet, and the MV was undriveable for two weeks. Rich had to remove the engine once again to repair stuff. It was costly, and we had to cancel services because of lack of transportation… "God, I had hoped to have a fancy belated Christmas dinner in January, and buy a few gifts. The relatives…I can't think of everything, or I'll crack. Lord, when is a bus coming?" The angels are holding this one together, both mechanically and structurally.

"What good are we here Lord, without the funds for gas, for printing books and flyers, for the radio program, for the storage shed in Ohio, for car insurance and repairs, for phone, campground rental when we're in USA…?" A spirit of poverty seems to be over every pastor and church we know here. Enough is enough!

AT THAT INSTANT I DIED… IT WAS OVER…

"Lord, how often have we preaching about going through the fire to be purified, to come out as a holy vessel?" I thought I had already gone through it. (Yes, I had gone through it some, but not enough). "Nothing else matters now, but you. No matter what, no matter how, I put you first, and I will adore you regardless. I thought I had put you first place, but now I'm beginning to see more brightly. Another veil has been removed. Our ministry here is not #1, our/my relationship (time spent together) is #1." I encouraged myself in the Lord - sang and prayed and cried, but in hope.

And then I laughed. It was funny, because at last I saw a glimpse of how God views satan and this struggle. In the immense eternity of things, satan had tried his best arrow; and it failed. Because the truth was, that I had chosen to keep going on. But this time I chose to go on differently. I cried and laughed tears of profound joy. I was delivered from what had kept me bound. Just like in Daniel chapter 3, the fire of God burned off my cords. for the first time in my Christian walk, I was free to have "joy."

Before this, I had always "tolerated" praise music, not fully able to join in. But I always leapt at an opportunity to worship Him, especially in spontaneous songs. I would melt at His feet. But now? Now, I sang of my delighting in Him, and Him in me (Zech 3:17). You know… I finally realized that it was not arrogant to believe that He really delights in me! Not in my service. But in me…

Instantly, nothing else mattered. The worry, the fear, the "what ifs," all the questions vanished. All the trivia became "so what?" Just Him and me. And He loved me so very much, that He allowed that "accident." and did not prevent it, as He had so often protected us in the past from other accidents. It was similar to the three Hebrew boys in Daniel and their "but even if God does not come through to rescue me."

With all my heart, with all my soul, I thank my God for allowing things to progress until I hit a breaking point. I know it was hard on Him to see me suffer, but I know I'm free and stronger now in Him. It is one thing to read of such events in the Bible, or Christian books, and completely different to experience it yourself. We all need to experience it… the sooner the better. Why waste time going around the mountain fighting the same giants?

As an African pastor who was with us in our home for a period of 2 months once said, in reply to whether he was hungry. "If we eat, we eat; if we don't eat, we don't eat." I used to laugh a little at this, and explain his answer within the culture of Africa. I was wrong. It is not culture, but a heart sold out to God, that can honestly answer that.

I gained a revelation of joy, as a weapon against the attacks of satan. Nehemiah 8:10 says: "the joy of the Lord is your strength," right? I always understood in the past, that it was our joy. The act of being joyful while serving God made us strong. Wrong!

The joy of the Lord is the Lord's joy; the joy is His. Well then, what makes Him joyful? Hebrews 11:6 says, "Without faith it is impossible to please Him." It is by our heart behavior towards Him that He can rejoice over us. When He rejoices, when He is pleased with us… His joy bubbles over onto us to become our strength - which was His strength before.

Therefore, to sum up. I will continue in joy, and stay strong in Him. I will fight and teach others how to intercede for the people of Mexico. Strongholds will be broken, and their land will be healed. (2 Cron 7:14). And I will continue to ask God for discernment. I will continue in this fast till God releases me. There is so much more of His presence that I desire.

Take a time of quiet between you and God. Ask Him to show you a better way into the promised land, other then around the mountain again.

We love you all. Keep your eyes on Him. He's faithful, even when it may seem like He's not.. Please intercede for us and Reynosa and the border towns.

Deborah Murphy