Marriage Teaching of the Month

Fantasy - Good or Bad?
March 1999
by Rich Murphy

Pretty much everybody has fantasies of one sort or another. We dream about what we'd do different if we were the boss, or having the big boat we'd seen, or even what we'll do when we retire. These fantasies don't hurt anything, and in fact, sometimes they seem like the only thing that keeps us going.
What about fantasies in the sexual realm? Well, we dream about the perfect mate, making love in some obscure place, or the circumstances that would lead up to lovemaking. Is this good, or bad? That depends mostly upon who we're having the fantasy with. Jesus said: "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matt 5:28). According to Jesus, if you are having those fantasies with anyone other than you're spouse, you're involved in adultery.
Going a step farther, if you're fantasizing about one person, while having sex with another, you're involving them in your adultery. That is vaginal masturbation.

If sexual intimacy is intended to make the two "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24), then it requires being not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually involved with the person you are making love to. Fantasizing about someone else puts you in the position of being only physically involved with your sexual partner.
The Old Testament uses two different terms to talk about sexual intimacy. It says that Abraham "knew" his wife, Sarah. This speaks of an intimate relationship that goes much farther than just the physical sexual act. He shared his life with her. On the other hand, Abraham "went into" Hagaar, the Egyptian handmaid of Sarah, in order to impregnate her, and have their son Ishmael. The "went into" is only the physical act. There is no real intimacy of the soul implied, or actual here.
Sex can only make a couple one flesh when they "know" each other. It cannot happen if the man only "went into" her. If the fantasies you have involve someone else, then you aren't "knowing" your spouse.
This goes both ways, not only for men, but women as well. We can both have fantasies that prevent us from truly joining together with out mate, and only using them as a surrogate for our fantasies. Any time this happens, you are robbing you spouse, yourself, and the marriage that God gave you.

So, does this mean that there is no place for sexual fantasy in a Christian marriage? No, it only helps us to define what sort of fantasies are acceptable. Remember the old saying that "variety is the spice of life." There is some definite truth to that statement. God created us to want a certain amount of variety, just as He does. He created an infinitely varied creation, because He didn't want to look around and see a bunch of Xerox copies.
If you never have any fantasy in the sexual part of your marriage, you might easily find yourself falling into a rut, getting bored with sex, and drifting away from each other.
So, what type of fantasies can we have? We can have fantasies that involve our spouse. Throughout the day, we can think about the things that we'll do with them when we go to bed that night. We can even think about crazy things that we might not actually do, like making love in the park. Jesus didn't say I couldn't have sexual thoughts about a woman, he just said that I couldn't have sexual thoughts about a woman I wasn't married to. In fact, if we never have sexual thoughts about our spouse, it's going to be awfully hard to get things going in the bedroom.

Let's look at another side of this. When was the last time you "made out" in the back seat of your car? "Oh," you say, "that's just for teenagers." Maybe it is for teens, but you'd be amazed how many adults fantasize about doing just that, trying to capture a part of their youth.
Well, if you're going to fantasize about it, why not grab your spouse and go do it. What's that? You're a little embarrassed to do something like that. So what, do it anyway. Oh, you're not a little embarrassed, you're a lot embarrassed. Okay, you can still have your fantasy. After the kids go to bed tonight, go sit on the sofa, and voila, you can pretend you're making out in the back seat of your car. Play acting is a great part of fantasy.
Speaking of fantasy, every married woman needs a good assortment of sexy night gowns. (Women, if you don't know what's sexy, ask your husband, he knows.) It's amazing what different lingerie can do to change the mood of the night. Each gown can have a different personality, send a different message, make it seem like you're a different person. You can be a better fantasy in the flesh than your husband can think of in his mind. After that, why would he even think of wanting anything else?