Marriage Teaching (Dec 98)

A Little Romance
December 1998
by Rich Murphy

Everyone likes to feel special. Like they're somebody important. But for most of us, life just doesn't seem to give us many opportunities to be that important person, who everyone looks up to. In fact, it seems that most of the time, life is trying to put us down, instead of picking us up.
There is one person in your life that you can be the most important to though. That's one person is your spouse. What? You tell me you don't think that they see it that way. Well, maybe they'd say the same about you. Maybe they don't think that they're the most important person to you, either. But you know something? At one time you were both the most important to each other. At least, that's why most of us get married.
Remember back when you dated? All either of you could think of was spending time together. You'd count the minutes until you could be together again. Again doing what? That really wasn't important, was it? All that mattered was that you were together. What made it romantic wasn't what you did, but that you were the most important person in their life.
Somewhere I can hear somebody grumbling right about now... probably a woman. Something to the effect of "Well, I might have been important to him then, but all he cares about now is football."
Hold it a minute. Did he like football back when you were dating? If you're honest, you'll probably say yes. So, what's the difference now? Probably one of two things. It could be that you were never there when he watched the football games, so you didn't know how much time they took But that's probably not it, because you'd notice the absence if nothing else. The second option is more likely. That is, you probably went to those football games together in college, so it didn't matter if he was watching football, you did it together.
Or, how about you guys? You probably think that her interests have changed as well. But if you look back, you probably didn't notice how much time she spent shopping because you went with her. That was just something you did together.
What's wrong with doing the things together that we used to? It's amazing to me how people wonder about growing apart, when they never put the effort into growing together. If we want our marriages to remain strong, maybe what we need to do is put into practice some of the things that made them strong to start with. It doesn't take something new, just more of what we used to do.

Romance isn't about spending money. In fact, many of the most romantic things you can do don't cost a thing. That's because romance is about spending time together, taking an interest in each other. Time is the most valuable commodity, and when you spend it on somesomeone, you show them that they are valuable to you.
Romance isn't about setting either. My wife and I live in a 33 foot motorhome with three of our kids too. I can guarantee you that we don't have the perfect setting, or even privacy most of the time. Yet, we manage to keep the romance alive, and do so all the time.
Romance can be defined as taking an interest in the other person's interests. If one of her interests is antique shopping, then guys, go antique shopping together. So what if you don't like antiques. Besides, I bet if you went out antique shopping with her you'd find something there that's interesting to you. It might not be the exact same thing she's looking at, but it's being with her.
Women, you say he's a couch potato, that'll never get off his backside during a football game. I say baloney. If he won't get off the sofa for the game, join him there. Not only do you get to do something together, but when you start asking him to explain it all to you, you can make him feel like he's the expert of the year. I guarantee you, there isn't any true football fan that can resist showing off his expertise as an armchair quarterback.
You see, it isn't so much what you do, it's doing it together. When you "sacrifice" (I don't even like that word here) and do something that your mate is interested in, you show them that they're important to you. Not only that, but you show them that what they value and think is also important to you.

Let's look at it a little differently. As an example, let's say your spouses hobby is refinishing furniture. Now, that's a messy job if ever I saw one. Well, one thing I can guarantee you, your first apartment was furnished in early garage sale, with all the pieces refinished, of course.
Now you've gotten a little more sophisticated. It was fun then, but with three kids, you just can't see getting involved in any messy projects like that. Of course, your spouse still does an occasional find from the neighbors trash, but you make sure it stays in the basement, or the garage. "Don't bring that near my children, "you say, "we don't need them getting into that mess."
By the way, have you figured out who's hobby this is? Is it his, or is it hers? Actually it could be either. Even though woodworking is a mostly male hobby, refinishing is about split between men and women.
Well, let's see, why was it fun to do the refinishing when it was your first apartment, but not now that it's fifteen years later? Still the same messy job. Still the same rewards, looking at that finished piece, and being amazed how much better it looks. Still the same partner to get messy with, and to shower with afterwards. So, what's different? Simple, that's their hobby, and you don't want to be inconvenienced by it.
This is where most couples are today. They've given up on making their spouse important, and their spouse has done the same to them. How do you fix it? Easy, go back to the old way!
I know, I know, someone out there is saying something like "That's fine for you to say. But, why should I do that, when they're not doing anything for me?" Simple, things won't change until someone changes them. If you're expecting them to do all the changes, then I recommend you have a little talk with God. He never promised you that your spouse would meet all your needs. He only told you what to do in regards to your actions toward them.
So, go ahead, take a chance, bring a little romance back. You know what? When you do, your spouse will reciprocate in kind. All you've got to do is put them first.