Marriage Teaching (Aug 98)

Making Love, or Making Lust?
August 1998
by Rich Murphy

Mike and Cindy were having an argument. It doesn’t really matter what the argument was about. Like most arguments between couples, it started over something small, then grew to cover every wrong either of them could think of.
When all was said and done Mike felt like he had won, for a change. Cindy just felt like crying. Why did they have to fight, after all? Weren’t they in love?
Soon it was time for bed, Mike was his usual amorous self, but Cindy just wasn’t in the mood. Why didn’t he understand that she couldn’t feel loving after what they just went through?
Mike tended to be a little controlling at times, and this was one of them. He said, “you know Cindy, men have a stronger sexual need than women, and you’re the only one who can meet that need for me.”
Cindy wanted to do the right thing and be submissive, so they made love. Of course, she didn’t really get aroused, but Mike hardly seemed to notice it. Afterwards, he went to sleep, and she sat on the sofa, reading her Bible, and crying.

Mike seems to have a problem with knowing what love is. He didn’t make love to his wife, he made lust. What’s the difference? It rests with the definitions of love and lust.
Lust desires to get. It is only concerened with it’s own needs and desires. The old “look out for number one” mentality, even to the point of hurting or using others. Lust is basically an immiture attitude. A baby only wants its own way, and doesn’t care about others. That is the same as someone who is operating in lust.
Love, on the other hand, always desires to give. It has a greater concern for others needs and desires, and puts them before its own.
The Greek word Agape is bandied about much in the church today. We all know of it as a “God kind of love,” but don’t really know what that means. It was the same in Jesus’ day. Even though they had the word Agape in their language, nobody really knew what it meant. Jesus had to explain the concept of Agape with his life.
Hebrew has a similar word. It is “haceed.” Unfortunately, we don’t have a word in English that equals haceed. We use the word love for everything. You know, “I love my wife, I love my dog, and I love pizza.” The best translation for haceed is: “an overwhelming desire to give to the other person, for their benefit, regardless of the cost to you.” Read that again, it takes a while to absorb it. This is true agape love.
In our story above, Mike wasn’t operating in haceed love. Even though the scriptures tell him to “agape” his wife. He “lusted” his wife. All he cared about was getting his needs met, not meeting hers.
There is a real beauty in making love, instead of just making lust. When we truly do that, our wives will feel cherished, instead of used "not being in the mood" because women can't help but respond to true love.
But, you can't wait till you get in the bedroom to start acting in haceed. Just like Mike's problem started earlier, Mike could have fixed the problem earlier. What have you done to haceed your wife today?

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Ephesians 5:25