Marriage Teaching of the Month

Those Pesky Little Vows
April 2001
by Rich Murphy

Do you remember your marriage vows? It's amazing how few of us actually do. Something as serious as a lifelong commitment, and most of us can't even remember it. Not only that, but when we say them, we really don't think about what they mean.
Those little words of our marriage vows are actually the COVENANT commitment we are making to our spouse. They are supposed to be an unbreakable vow, that we will die rather than let go. Yet in this day and age, the people who take those words seriously are few and far between.
Part of the problem is that we don't truly understand covenant. But a larger part is that our word doesn't mean anything anymore. Not that many years ago, when a person gave his or her word on something, they meant it. In fact, they would rather suffer harm to themselves than not fulfill what they said in their word.
But, times have changed, we don't make commitments like that any more. In fact, with the modern pre-nuptial agreement concept, more people "try out" a marriage, than those that commit to it.
God never created marriage to be a temporary relationship. It's impossible to become "one flesh" (Gen 2:24) with several different people at several different times. When God created marriage, it was with the intent that the two would truly become one flesh, as an ongoing process for the rest of their lives.

But, that's really not the direction I want to go with this little discussion. I want to take a moment to think about the side of our vows where we say things like "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health." You know all those promises we make to each other that no matter what, we'll be there for the other one.
The thing is, we really don't think about that. We get married with stars in our eyes, and our heads full of dreams. We expect to take over the world, live in a mansion, have everything we could ever want, and stay young and healthy forever.
Unfortunately, reality doesn't quite work out that way. There usually isn't the money for the mansion, we don't take over the world, and every once in a while, one of the partners ends up being sick. Usually at least once in every marriage that lasts, there's a sickness that ends in hospitalization, great expenses, and even death.
The question is, what do we do when things come out that way? How do we handle it when our spouse isn't what we expected them to be? What do we do when our husband or wife isn't as great a Christian as we thought they were? How do we deal with it when the sickness comes to replace the health? How do we treat each other when there isn't enough money to pay all the bills, let alone do all the things we want to do?

Really, these questions shouldn't even exist, but unfortunately they do. The reason I say they shouldn't exist is that if we truly commit to our marriages, these questions don't have any place in our lives. But, because the world has taught us not to commit to things, we have them.
The problem all boils down to the question of why do we get married in the first place? I have yet to meet a person who married in order to give to the other person. Each and every one of us marries in order that we might receive something from our mate.
It doesn't really matter what it is that we expect to receive, the point is that we marry for selfish reasons. We don't marry so much out of love, as we do out of lust (defined as a desire to receive something, not always sexual). Because of this, when our spouse doesn't give us what we expect, we become disappointed, bitter, angry, and can often end up in divorce.
There is no such thing as a perfect person (other than Jesus). So, as good as we might want to be in our marriages, we will always find ways of disappointing each other.

Every week, we have believers ask us if they are justified in getting divorced. They don't really want the truth, they're looking for someone to agree with them so that they won't feel guilty. These people will keep asking, until they find someone who will agree with them.
We probably receive most of these questions from women with unsaved husbands. It doesn't matter if they received Christ before or after the wedding. The point in their minds isn't them, it's their husband. They're sure that God has someone better for them. If they could just find a way to get out of this marriage, things would surely be better in the next one.
Then there's another group that feels they can't stay with their spouse because of some illness or emotional problem, or even financial hardship. They've forgotten the vows they took at the altar.
The point is, that when we took those vows, God didn't promise us everything would be great. He never promised that we'd be rich, that our spouse would meet all our needs and desires, nor did He say that we'd never have to play nurse to each other. God isn't interested in our excuses or our complaints... He's looking at our character.
Is there some hardship in your marriage? If so, welcome to the human race. It's a challenging game, but it's the only one in town. Let's stop complaining about it, and find a way for God to work through us to be a blessing to the one we married.