There's an old joke which I run across every once in a while. It changes in form a little bit, but always with the same idea. My favorite form of this joke is to find a book which is entitled, "Everything Men Know About Women." When you open the book, you find that all the pages are blank. There's absolutely nothing written in the book.

Like most good jokes, this one is based a little bit on truth. By and large, men have very little understanding about women. They think of women as men with some wonderfully different body parts. What I mean, is that men expect women to act like men, and are confused when women act like… well… women.

If you, as a woman, want to have a relationship with a man, you must always take this into account. Don't expect him to understand you, because he doesn't. Like most men, he's probably grown up with women around him, but that doesn't mean he understands them. In fact, if he's like most men, he hasn't really tried to figure it out. But, the good news is that he's willing to learn. If you will teach him about women, he'll be glad for the lessons, and put them to good use.

Okay, so let's take a look at the other side of the coin. Do women understand men? If you're like most women, you'd answer a resounding "YES!" to that question. But, I'm not so sure. You see, just as men expect women to act like men, women expect men to act like women. From what I've seen (and I've done a lot of looking) women don't understand men either, they just think they do. What they really understand is what they want their man to be; which is quite a different thing than what he really is.

Now, in your defense, I'd have to say that women are definitely more interested in understanding men, than men are in understanding women. That's because women are relationally based. Your life, as a woman, is defined by the relationships you have. Therefore, you are much more likely to put work into those relationships than a man is.

On the other hand, a man's life is defined by what he does. If you ask a man what he is, he'll answer that he is an engineer, or a carpenter, or a plumber. He won't even mention that he's a husband and father. However, if you ask a woman the same question, she'll answer that she's a wife and mother, and not mention anything about what she does.

No wonder we have so much trouble understanding each other! We're not even talking the same language! We might be using the same words, but we sure don't have the same meanings for them. Women speak "Women's English" and men speak "Men's English."

By the way, when women want to understand more about men, where do they go? They go to other women, right? Wrong! If the other women don't understand men any better than you do, why go to them? What are you going to gain? You're going to gain more wrong ideas.

Let's try something different. Let's have a man talk to women about men. Just maybe we can improve the overall understanding that way.

All women want to marry their "White Knight," and many do… Or, at least they think they do. Then, when they wake up the day after their wedding, they find out he has bad breath, and he sweats. Yuck!

You see, the image that many of us have of others is actually a false image created by Hollywood. According to what they show us in the movies, we grow up expecting to encounter a perfect mate, who will be a combination of all the best traits of all of our favorite actors in all of our favorite movies. Of course, we forget about the fact that they have prepared lines, a wardrobe coordinator, and a makeup artist to make them look perfect. Oh, and don't forget, since they don't have to work a "real job" they can spend all their time looking and acting perfect.

By the way, if those people are so perfect, why do they have so many divorces?

But still, you'd think the average guy could at least do a few serenades on the guitar, or maybe dance with a rose between his teeth, right? Well, I don't know about all the other guys out there, but if I tried to serenade anyone with a guitar, the neighbors would be throwing stones at me. God didn't give me the gift of singing. And, have you ever tried to dance with a rose between your teeth? Those thorns hurt!

Okay, okay. So maybe the serenades and dancing are a little unrealistic. But, does that mean a woman should give up on the whole idea of her husband being her White Knight? NO! I've got good news for you ladies, there's still hope. You may not have him singing and dancing, but you can still have a romantic, loving husband. All you have to do, is give him enough reason to become the man you want him to be.

Let's take a moment here to look at what's at stake. What do you, as a woman, want from your man? To answer that, I'm going to have to talk in generalities, and when someone talks in generalities, they're generally wrong. But, given that, let me take a shot at it.

According to surveys of women, these are the top five things that they want from their husbands:

1. Affection (Romance)

This is one of those terms we have to be careful with. When a man thinks affection, or romance, he interprets it as sex. But, when a woman thinks of these words, she has an entirely different definition.

All women want a romantic husband. Maybe not one who is serenading them with a guitar, or even one who is dancing with a rose between their teeth, but one who at least knows how to spell the word.

What is romance? All women think it is important, but that doesn't mean they know what it is. I remember in one marriage conference, where we asked people this question, a sixty-year-old woman said, "I don't know what it is, but I know it's important."

2. Conversation

Do you know that you women talk a lot more than us men do? In fact, the average woman talks three times as much as the average man. That's a lot of extra words to use in one day.

Women regularly complain that their husbands don't talk to them. I have to say, this is definitely a legitimate complaint. Especially if you take into account what type of talking you women want. You don't want to talk about his work, nor do you want to talk about paying the bills; you want to talk from your heart.

I have to say that talking from the heart is a real problem for most men. But, there is hope. Your husband can actually learn to talk like you want.

3. Ability to Trust Him

Let's face it, being married can be a pretty scary proposition; especially when you can't trust the man you are married to. Men are bigger, stronger, and many times meaner; taking what they want from a woman, without considering her feelings.

Even a "good" man is going to have some faults. All of us are human, and all of us sin. But, somehow you need to be able to trust him. How? The only way is through honesty, integrity, and forgiveness. Please, whatever you do, don't ridicule him if he lets you see his weaknesses, or apologizes for an error he has made. If you do, you can forget about him being honest with you. You will have closed a door that may never open again.

Let me say something to you that's very important. God has made your husband with a violent, aggressive nature. He didn't do so to allow your husband to hit you, but to protect you. Every man knows that when you are in a fight with someone, you don't want to let them know your weaknesses, or they will use them against you. In most marriages, the man learns that he cannot be open and honest with his wife about his faults and weaknesses, because she will use it against him. Be careful about this! If your husband tells you he's having a problem in an area, never, never use it against him, or he will never be open and honest with you again.

4. Financial Support

Even though the classic roles of men and women are breaking down in modern society, and more and more women are in the workplace, overall most women would prefer to stay at home with their children. Many who are working outside the home feel they have to, in order that the family has enough money to meet their needs.

If these women feel like they've been backed into a corner, obviously they also feel that their husbands aren't taking care of them. It is difficult for a woman to have confidence in a man when she feels he isn't taking care of her.

5. Family Commitment

Since women are relationally oriented, the most important thing in their lives is their family. A woman will always want her husband to be committed to her and the kids. When a man doesn't have time for her, or the kids, she feels rejected and unloved by him.

Raising godly children requires the input of both parents. Our jails are full of men who didn't have a father in the home, only their mother. When a man leaves his family, he destroys it.

I've mentioned the word confidence in several of these points. Why is that so important? Because you, as a woman, need to be able to have confidence in your husband in order to give yourself to him, especially to give yourself to him sexually. If you don't have that confidence, you will always hold back, maybe giving him your body, but not your heart.

Since I am sure that your husband (unless you happen to be married to the only perfect man in the world) is going to disappoint you in all these areas at one time or another, what can you do?

Good question. It is impossible to have confidence in somebody while you have something against them. Jesus taught us a valuable method for regaining that confidence, it's called forgiveness. We are all commanded to forgive one another, even if we feel the person doesn't deserve our forgiveness (we don't deserve the Lord's forgiveness either).

Don't forgive your husband for his benefit, do it for your own. When you hold unforgiveness in your heart, it isn't him that's hurt by it, it's you. You are the one who is bound up in preoccupation and bitterness when you don't forgive. Ultimately, holding unforgiveness long enough can cause health problems, spiritual problems, and even an early death. So, you see, when you forgive, you really are helping yourself.

"Yes, but brother, I really don't feel like I can forgive him." I don't know how many times I've heard that sentence in one form, or another. Let's set something straight. Forgiveness isn't a feeling, it's an act of your will. You make a godly decision to forgive, whether you feel like it, or not. Don't worry about the feelings, God will take care of them. Once you make that decision, say it out loud, so that God, and the devil can hear it. Once God hears it, he can change your feelings, and once the devil hears it, he can't use your unforgiveness against you.

"Okay, I'll forgive, but I can't forget it." Nobody said you had to forget it. In fact, forgiving and forgetting aren't the same thing. Some people think they've forgiven because they've forgotten the offense. But, the root of bitterness still remains within them. The only thing that will pull that root out is forgiveness. Yes, the memory will remain, but by having forgiven, you take the first step in allowing that memory to fade away.

Oh, and sometimes you have to forgive more than once. What I mean by that, is to keep a watch over your thoughts and feelings. If you find yourself rehashing the offense in your mind, and bitterness coming back up in your heart, you need to forgive again.

There's an important verse about this in the book of Ephesians:

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

Eph 4:6

What's wrath? "Oh, that's a really big emotion, right?" No. A minor irritation is wrath, just as much as being so angry that you start throwing things. The only difference is that one is a little wrath, and the other is a lot of wrath. God has commanded us to get rid of that wrath before the end of the day. How? By forgiving.

The most important words in any marriage are:

• Forgive me

• It was my fault

• I forgive you

• I love you

Every couple needs to learn the habit of forgiving each other daily. Don't say, "Don't worry about it," or, "It's nothing." Say, "I forgive you." Make a point of doing it quickly and you will have a happier marriage.

Okay, so why talk about your needs as a woman. You already know that he's not completing them. I'm talking about this so that you will know what you can gain by meeting your husband's needs. This is what you can receive for meeting your husband's needs.

If you're like many women, you're thinking that he should make the first move. After all, the man is supposed to be the leader, the priest of the home, why not get him to change first? Wouldn't that be more fair?

It's interesting to note that every place in the New Testament that talks about the marriage relationship talks about the woman, and her responsibility first. Why? Because the woman has more ability to change the marriage than the man does.

That's right, your husband may be called to be the leader, but God's given you an incredible amount of influence with him. A woman can take a horrible marriage and turn it into a wonderful one. She can motivate her husband to be the man that she wants him to be. She can even motivate him to be a better man than he thinks he can be.

On the other hand, a man has very little ability to change a woman. While she can make a marriage wonderful, the best he can do is make it mediocre. Why? Because although he is the leader, he doesn't influence her the same way she does to him.

Many, maybe even most women use that influence negatively, to try and manipulate their husbands. But, if you learn to use it positively, you will actually receive more from your husband than you could ever receive by manipulating him. How do you use your influence positively? By meeting his needs, so that he will desire to meet yours.

So, what are a man's needs in the marriage? What does he need his wife to do for him, so that he will feel happy and fulfilled? Let's take a look at them.

Remember, these aren't just desires, they are needs. Just like you need romance and conversation, he has certain needs as well. They aren't the same as yours, and in some cases are things that seem totally opposite of what you want, but then again, he isn't you. He's a man, and you'll never change that.

1. Sexual Fulfillment

Many women think that there's something wrong with their husband, because of his preoccupation with sex. Some even go to great lengths to explain how perverted their husbands are, because they want to have sex all the time. I remember one woman who came up to talk to my wife after one of our marriage conferences. She said, "Please pray for my husband, he's a pervert, he wants to have sex every day." My wife responded to her, "Really? My husband wants sex every day too."

There's nothing wrong with a man who wants sex, or is thinking about sex all the time. He's just being a man. God made him that way, so that he would be attracted to YOU. So, take advantage of it, and keep him attracted to you.

Why is it, that women who (if they are honest with themselves) were more than willing to have sex with their husbands before marriage, in order to capture his heart, think the same man is a pervert after the wedding, or even more so, after the first baby comes along, because she isn't as interested in sex and he still is?

Let me repeat myself. There is nothing wrong with a man who wants to have sex every day, God created him that way. Just because you don't have that strong a sexual desire doesn't mean that there's something wrong with him. It just means that God created men and women different.

You may not realize it, but when you married your husband, you made a commitment to him sexually. Actually, according to scripture, what you did was give him your body. The apostle Paul wrote to the church in Corinth:

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

1 Cor 7:4

Your body isn't just yours, it belongs to your husband just as much as it does to you. You know what he wants your body for, sex. This verse is very clear on that subject, and just in case you aren't sure, two verses earlier, Paul mentions the reason for this, it's "to avoid fornication" (1 Cor 7:2).

Many women look at this and say, "Yeah, I know, I have to put up with sex." But, that isn't the idea. God never intended for you to have to put up with sex, he intended for you to enjoy it as much as your husband does. In fact, he created you with more capacity for sexual enjoyment than your husband has.

Jewish women understand this. They think that sex is one of their rights in their marriage. In fact, in Biblical times, a woman had a right to take her husband to court if he didn't satisfy her sexually! Talk about embarrassing. I don't think any man would want to be in that courtroom.

The sexual relationship in marriage is so important to men that if it wasn't for sex, men literally would have no reason to get married. They don't get married to have someone to cook for them, if they don't have anyone to cook for them, men have no problem going to a restaurant. Nor is it to have someone to wash their clothes, they can pay someone for that. Men get married because they've found someone they want to have as a permanent lover.

That's the key word, "lover." More than anything, your husband wants you as his lover. That's not supposed to be the place of some other woman, that's supposed to be your place.

Let's make sure we're using the same definition for this word. To a woman, the word "lover" means that he does romantic things for you, he talks sweetly to you, and meets your emotional needs. But, to a man, the word "lover" means a sexual partner. That's right, he married you because he wanted to have sex with you all the time.

Men who look for other women, do so because they aren't sexually satisfied at home. Men who drink too much do so for the same reason. In fact, I've asked several men who were known as big drinkers if they would rather have a case of beer, or their wife. In every case, they answered that they'd rather have their wife. Usually they added the commentary that there was little chance of them having their wife, so instead they'd just have another beer.

Women who have the happiest marriages have not only learned how to maintain the spark, so that their husbands aren't looking for another lover, but have come to enjoy being his lover. It isn't just about having sex, but about having exciting, passionate, fun sex.

Let me straighten something our right now. Sex within marriage is not sin! You got that? It's not sin. You don't need to feel guilty about making love to your husband, or even for thinking about having sex with him. Not only is it okay, but it's good. God actually wants you to have a good, loving relationship with your husband. When the two of you make love, God applauds you.

The thing is, if you aren't willing to keep your husband sexually satisfied, someone else will be. Your husband is surrounded by other women who are working hard to attract his attention, and his affection. To maintain your husband's interest, you need to think and act like you are in competition with those other women. Whatever you do, don't let them win the race!

So, how do you get started on recapturing his heart? The first step is to change your attitude. If you are like most women, you were taught that sex is something bad, that you have to put up with in marriage. I've already told you that's not true, so start changing your thinking; begin to think positively about sex. Find Bible verses that talk positively about sex. Read the Song of Solomon, and pretend it is you and your husband. Put some stickers of hearts, or roses in various places throughout the house, where you will see them. Every time you see one of them, think positively about having sex with your husband.

The next step is to repent to your husband for your frigidness. Yes, that's exactly what I mean. You might not think you've been frigid, but from his point of view, you have. As part of that, tell him that you are willing to make love with him whenever he wants. He may not believe you, and he will probably put you to the test, but that's okay. Remember, you want him making love to you, not somebody else!

Finally, learn to enjoy making love. You, as a woman, actually have more capacity to receive pleasure from the sexual part of your relationship, than your husband does. You just have to learn how to enjoy it. The great thing is, once you get over your mental blocks against sex, you will find that you can really, really enjoy it!

The sexiest thing to any man is a woman who wants to make love to him as much as he wants to make love to her. Men may marry based upon looks, but men stay married because of heart. More than anything, what he wants to see in your heart, is that you want him.

God made sexual intimacy as the mechanism to take two married people and make them into one flesh. Intimate physical contact causes the release of the hormone oxytoxin in our bodies. This hormone causes the emotion of being "in love" with another person.

When you were dating your husband, and during your first year of marriage, the two of you had lots of intimate physical contact; hugging, kissing, caressing, and making love. That's why you were so madly in love with each other. But, as time passed, and especially once your first baby came along, you stopped having so much physical contact. Because of that, the two of you started falling out of love with each other. It seems simple to me, if you want him to fall in love with you again, do what you did before; hug him, kiss him, touch him (and encourage him to do it to you as well), and of course, make love a lot.

One final point on sex. Be inventive. The writer of Hebrews said, "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge" (Heb 13:4). What that underlined part means, is that anything you do in the sexual relationship in your marriage is not dirty, sinful, or bad. But, the verse goes on to say that God will judge those who do the same things outside of the marriage relationship.

2. Recreational Companionship (a playmate)

Your husband works hard all day. Yes, I know, you do too. But, we're not talking about you right now, we're talking about him, and his needs. When he leaves his work he isn't thinking about working more, he's thinking about relaxing and having a good time.

When the two of you were dating, you probably went out and did a lot of fun things together. That was good for the both of you, and also for your relationship. But, somewhere along the line, you stopped doing those fun things together. I'm not saying that you don't do anything fun, but you probably don't do as much as you used to, and you probably don't do it together.

Rest and recreation are an important part of life. Not only in the sense of just plan having fun, but they also are important for maintaining good health, and to prepare for returning to work. The work "recreation" literally means "to create again." There is a renewing of our minds and bodies that happens through fun activities.

Rest is so important that God actually commands us to rest. He created the Sabbath as a day of rest so that we would be sure to have at least one day a week in which we had the opportunity to be re-created.

Men typically have a lot of stress in their work. Whether the stress comes from dealing with their boss, dealing with customers, dealing with financial pressure, or just the responsibility of their jobs, they have stress. God has made men in a way that they are able to carry a large amount of stress and still function well. But, that doesn't mean that your husband can carry that stress twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. There has to be some time where he can put down that load, and relax. Not that he forgets about it, just that he puts it aside for a time. That's what rest and recreation are for. Once he's had his fun time, he's ready and willing to pick up the load again.

It's always better to share fun times with someone else. In fact, many fun activities lose their enjoyment if they are done alone. At the same time, there are other activities which become more fun if you can share them with someone else.

Your husband will either share these times of rest and recreation with you, or with someone else. Who he spends them with depends a large part on what you do in those times. He still remembers the fun the two of you had together when you were dating, and he still wants that. But, he may feel that you won't allow him to have that same kind of fun with you.

There are basically three reasons why men don't do fun things with their wives. The first is that their wives don't want to do anything that they think is fun. A man's idea of fun, and a woman's idea of fun are often quite different. It's quite possible that the things he finds fun don't hold any interest at all for you. So, what do you do? Either decide to join in the things that he thinks are fun, or find something entertaining to do that both of you like.

Secondly, many times, a wife will ruin what is supposed to be a time of relaxation by talking about some problem, or something that needs to be fixed around the house. When a man is in his rest and relaxation mode, he doesn't want to be nagged about things that he needs to do, he's trying to get rid of the stress of the day, not have more of it given to him.

The third reason men don't do fun things with their wives is that their wives may not be fun to be with. It's never any fun to be with someone who spends all their time complaining about one thing, or another. The same can be said about someone who never smiles. Learn to smile again, and whatever you do, don't spend you times together complaining about things.

Learn to have fun with your husband. How? I'm glad you asked. Many times, to have fun, we have to forget about being adults and go back to being kids again. Women complain all the time about the "immaturity" of their husbands, because they're out playing football with the guys again. Like I said, to have fun, you have to learn how to give up being an adult, and go back to being a child.

What types of things did you enjoy doing together when you were younger? If you enjoyed those activities then, there's a real good chance that you'll enjoy them now. That is, if you'll let yourself enjoy them.

Or, how about just plain play? Buy a couple of water pistols and have a water fight with your husband. That's guaranteed to get both of you laughing. Let me give you a little secret here. Surprise is an important element in warfare. Catch your husband sometime when he's coming in the door, and throw him one of the pistols. As soon as he catches it, open fire. Give him a good dousing, then run away. Find a good spot for an ambush, and wait for him to catch up. Give him another good dousing, before he has a chance to get you. I'm sure he'll be quick to get even, but you'll have gotten in the first good shots.

Laughter is an important part of fun. The book of Proverbs tells us, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones" (Prov 17:22). Do you know that medical science has proved this verse to be true. They have found that many of our body's organs are actually restored through laughter. A good laugh is like going jogging, and a whole lot cheaper than buying medicine.

So, learn how to have fun with your husband again. Don't complain to him that you never have fun together, find something that will be fun for both of you, and invite him to join in with you. Or, just like with the water guns, surprise him with it. Whatever way you do it, become his playmate again.

3. An Attractive (Sexy) Spouse

To start this off we must understand one thing. That is, God has created men to be visually stimulated. In other words, men like to look at women's bodies (especially naked women's bodies), and they get sexually excited from doing so. That's why there's so much pornography around, because the men who buy it get excited looking at the women in there.

It's interesting that God made all women in a way that they want to be beautiful. Especially if we connect that thought to the fact that God made men to be visually stimulated. God knew what He was doing. Being beautiful isn't just vanity, it's insurance for your marriage.

If your husband wants to look at you, that's not wrong, that's good. He isn't perverted, he's normal. Don't complain that all he wants is sex; be glad that it's you that he wants to have sex with.

Your husband wants, and needs you to be attractive to him, all the time. Okay, so what does that mean? This is another one of those cases where we have to get together on the definition of a word. To a woman, being attractive means putting on a pretty dress and doing her hair up nice. That's not what it means to a man. To a man, the word "attractive" means "SEXY!"

If we look in the dictionary, we will find that the word "sexy" means "one who arouses your sexual desire." That's what your husband needs and expects from you. That you will always be the one who arouses his sexual desire.

Men are visually assaulted every day by mobs of women who are walking around in public trying their hardest to look as sexy as they can. Then they come home and find their wife in a bad mood and looking frumpy. No wonder they have a hard time keeping their sexual attention focused on their own wife!

If you look around in public, you will find that I'm telling the truth. Women, especially young ones, take great pains to make sure their hair is perfect, their make-up is perfect, and their clothes reveal as much of their bodies as possible without getting thrown in jail. Due to the fashion industry, this problem is just getting worse and worse all the time.

I remember a billboard that was put up in Reynosa, Tamps. Mexico. It was supposed to be advertising for Pepsi Cola ^TM , although I'm not so sure that they succeeded in their goal. There was a young, good looking, famous actress, with a reputation for being a sex queen drinking a bottle of Pepsi Cola ^TM through a straw. There was only one word on the sign, "¿Quieres? (Do you want?), and the Pepsi ^TM logo in the corner. Every time I saw that sign, I wondered if they were asking if I wanted the Pepsi TM, or if I wanted her.

Or, how about the magazines in the checkout of the supermarket. How many of them have pictures of women on the cover, who are revealing more of their breasts than they should in public.

I know. I know. The church has taught that Christian women should keep themselves modest at all times. I agree with the "modest" part, but I don't agree with the "at all times" part of that sentence. Yes, women should be modest in public. But, no they shouldn't be modest in private. When you are in your home with your husband, you need to be sexy for him, especially when you are in your bedroom.

The Muslims have an interesting custom. When the women are outside their home, they wear a dress called a "bourka." This dress looks like a black bag that covers them from the top of their heads to their toes, leaving only their eyes visible. There's no way dressed like this, that a woman can look sexy in public. But, when they enter into their houses, they take off the bourka. What they're wearing underneath, for their husbands, is very sexy.

While I'm not in agreement with this custom, or with the religion of Islam, I find this custom interesting. Outside the house, these women are very modest. But, in the house, for their husbands, they are very sexy. We can learn from this wisdom.

You don't have to be young and thin to be sexy, especially to your own husband. But, you do have to put some effort into it. More than anything, your attitude, and the way you dress will make you look sexy. Find clothing to wear in the house that shows off your body, especially your breasts and your backside. Those are the more sexual parts of your body, and the parts his eyes are most attracted to.

When you go to bed at night, it's especially important to look sexy. There's only two things that are acceptable to wear to bed. One is skin (your own), and the other is something that shows as much skin as possible, such as lace.

If you go to bed in a long nightgown, or especially in a long, thick, ugly nightgown, it looks to your husband like to came to bed in armor. This sends a very clear message to him, "Leave Me Alone!" He'll get the message, and he'll leave you alone, but he won't be happy about it. To him, it will be just one more time that you've rejected him.

"But brother, we have kids in the house, I can't dress like that around them." Yes, I know. But there's a wonderful invention that will help with that, it's called the lock. Buy one and put it on your bedroom door. Teach your children to knock on the door if they want you, and keep a robe by the bed that you can put on before opening the door.

I know that this can be a problem for those who have their children sleeping in their bedroom. There's a solution to that as well, build another bedroom. You can't keep your marriage healthy if you have to share your bedroom, or even worse, share your bed, with your children.

Don't let your husband's eyes be attracted to another woman. Keep him focused on you. That will help him greatly, because after the look comes the thought. Don't give him any reason to have that thought.

4. Domestic support (peace & quiet)

When your husband returns to the castle from battling dragons all day, the last thing he wants to find is another flock of dragons waiting for him. He looks to his home as a refuge from all the battles of life, and expects to find his wife waiting with a kiss, and a nice peaceful environment in which he can relax.

Now, I know that you're waiting for him to get home, so that you can talk to him. In fact, you've waited all day for the opportunity to talk to him, but that isn't the wisest thing you can do when he walks in the door, especially if what you want to talk about is a bunch of problems.

Let your husband come home to a loving wife, not one who's complaining about a bunch of problems. Yes, I know that you need to unload all those problems from your heart, and I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. In fact, I teach men that their wives need that. What I'm saying, is don't do it the minute he walks in the door. Give him a good kiss (not just a peck on the lips), allow him a little time to relax, and then, after dinner, you can talk about all the things that went wrong during the day. He'll be much more open and receptive to that kind of talk if you give him a little time to unwind and a little love first.

Another part of this is the age old question of, "Who's in charge in this house?" God has given men the responsibility of being the priests and leaders in their homes. It's not your job, it's his. Now, I realize that not all men are properly prepared and trained to be good leaders, and even less to be good administrators of the family finances, but that's not the issue. Whether he is ready, or not, it's his responsibility, and he has to learn from God how to do it.

I guarantee you that if you let your husband take his god-ordained place in your home that he will disappoint you, and will make decisions you don't like. But, once again, that's not the issue. We're talking about God's plan here, not yours, mine, or your husband's.

A man wants peace and tranquility in his home more than he wants to be in charge. Therefore, if it comes down to a struggle for leadership, he'll give up his place, literally giving up part of his manhood, in order to have that peace. You might feel happy about that in the short-term, but in the long-term it will cause problems in both your family, and your health. You are not designed by God to take that responsibility, and the stress that goes with it, he is.

So, if you are not supposed to be in charge, what are you supposed to do? I'm glad you asked. According to the Bible, you have two roles in the marriage, especially in regards to the decision making process; they are to be a help-meet and to submit to your husband.

A help-meet isn't a helper, servant, or slave. That's been misunderstood throughout history. Quite literally, a help-meet is a support. A woman who is a help meet, is one who creates an atmosphere of support in the home, so that her husband can better accomplish what God wants him to accomplish.

Now, let's talk about the word submit. That seems to be a word that nobody likes. Submission and obedience aren't the same thing. The word obedience talks about our actions, while the word submission talks about our heart attitude. One can obey, but not be in submission, if their heart isn't right. On the other hand, while there are a few situations in which you can have a submitted heart, and still not obey (such as in cases where you are physically unable to obey), there aren't many of them. God didn't command you to obey your husband, he commanded you to submit to him.

True submission says, "your will is my will, your heart is my heart, your desires are my desires." That's the type of submission that God wants from all of us in our relationship with Him. Now, I realize that this definition makes it sound like you have no say whatsoever, but that's really not what I'm trying to tell you. Yes, you have a right, and a responsibility to tell your husband your opinion, especially when he is trying to make a decision about something. There's a very good chance you have ideas, thoughts, or information that he needs in order to make a good decision. If you don't tell him that, you're not being a good help-meet.

But, on the other hand, once he's made a decision, you need to get behind that decision as if it were your own. Don't wait for the opportunity to tell him, "I told you so." In fact, do the opposite, do everything you can to make sure that there won't be an opportunity to tell him that.

If you are willing to give up your self-appointed role as head of the home, and let your husband take it, you will find that not only do you have more peace in the home, but you will end up feeling better yourself. It won't happen immediately, but it will happen.

One final point. If you've been the one in control for all this time, don't expect that your husband is going to do everything perfect immediately. It will take him time to learn how to properly handle the finances, make decisions, and be in charge. Don't worry! God has equipped him to do it, he just needs to learn how to apply those God given abilities to your family.

5. Admiration (she's proud of him)

A man's ego, or self-esteem, is actually a very fragile thing. Oh, I know that men act like it isn't true, but it is. Your husband lives in a world that is constantly trying to beat him down and tell him he isn't valuable. Because of this, he needs someone who's on his side, letting him know that even when he makes a mistake, he's still a champion, he's still worthwhile.

Why did you marry your husband in the first place? Don't tell me, "I don't know." At the time you had a good reason to marry him, even if you can't remember it now. Women instinctively try and seek out the strongest, or smartest, or best man to marry. That's true in animals, and it's also true in humans. It's part of the process of childbearing, making sure your children have the best possible father to raise them, provide for them, and take care of them.

Being proud of your husband is actually part of being a help-meet. When he knows that you're behind him, cheering him on, it encourages him to try harder, reach farther, run faster, and do greater things. It doesn't matter so much what those things are, just that he knows that no matter what, you'll always be his own personal cheerleader.

This is actually a very important part of helping your husband be successful in what he does. Even a man who isn't a genius, or isn't the best at whatever, will strive to become better and better at what he is doing. Being the best, or smartest isn't everything. There have been a lot of very smart people in this world who haven't accomplished anything. There have also been a lot of people who were considered the "best" at what they did who failed. Ability isn't as important as motivation. A motivated person will become the best, simply because they keep trying.

On the other hand, a man who isn't receiving that affirmation will take an emotional nose dive. Instead of trying to do more and better, he'll end up trying to do the least he can possibly get away with. He won't receive the promotion at work, because there's someone else who will do a better job. His business won't grow, because the customers will have more confidence in his competitor. He won't become a leader in the church, because he doesn't study the Word of God.

Even though he thinks that this is number five on his list of emotional needs, I'd have to say that God thinks it's number one on his list. In Genesis, chapter 2 it doesn't say that God created the woman to be the man's sexual playmate, it says that God created women to be man's helpmeet.

However, sex is an important part of showing your admiration for your husband. Sex, or lack of it, has a lot to do with a man's self-esteem. When you are passionately, sexually loving to your husband, you are rewarding him for who he is. You are saying to him, "I think you are such a great man, that I want to be one with you, I want to feel you inside me, I want to give myself to you.

The reverse of this is true as well. When you refuse your husband sexually, you are telling him that he isn't worthy of you. Most men battle with constant rejection from their wives. Because of their wives lack of interest, they feel inadequate, unloved, and unworthy. It doesn't matter what your reason is, even if you're sick, tired, or just plain busy, your rejection of his sexual advances will have this effect. Nor does it matter how big the rejection is. Ignoring him when he tries to kiss you is still rejection, whether you think so or not.

A man who is sexually satisfied by his wife feels her love and admiration. When he walks out the door in the morning, he's ready to take on the whole world. It doesn't matter how many dragons are waiting for him, he'll take them all on, and win. He has a reason to battle those dragons, and that reason is you.

So there you have it ladies, the secret to your man's heart. I guarantee you that if you put the time and effort necessary to satisfy his sexual and emotional needs, he will be motivated to satisfy yours.

Being a good wife is work, there's no two ways about it. But, it's an investment of time and energy that pays wonderful dividends. Don't worry about how your husband will react. I can pretty much guarantee you that at first, he'll react with suspicion. But, once she sees you continuing with a new behavior pattern, he'll become comfortable, and start to enjoy it. Then he'll start to change his own behavior.

Now, that doesn't mean he'll automatically know how to be a great husband. God didn't create men with a built-in marriage relationship manual, they need some instructing. You might even have to buy him a book, or two to help him out. However, satisfying his emotional, and especially his sexual needs will give him the desire to learn. That in itself will put him way ahead of most of the other men out there.

Remember, you are going to gain out of all this work you're doing, and all the changes you're going to make. You'll have all the other women jealous of the marriage you have. In addition to that, you'll gain one other thing, that is security. You won't have to worry about who your husband was with when he comes home late. It won't be because he was with someone else.

So, what are you waiting for, it's time to start building that wonderful relationship you've always wanted. Take that first step, and watch to see where it will lead.